A belief is a wonderful thing.
Everyone has them. We all live by them, consciously or unconsciously. But what IS a belief and where do they come from? When was the last time you checked to see if they are still serving you? How do the things you believe and expect affect your relationships?
When I Googled the word ‘belief’ it gave me two meanings:
I’m going to talk about the first one in particular here…
So where do beliefs come from? More importantly, WHO do they come from?
Most of our beliefs are created when we are young from the people who influence us the most - parents, grandparents and whoever we are exposed to most.
Then there are the beliefs that form from experiences that happen to us as we grow. Some are our truth, some our beliefs. As they grow in strength through things that happen to us, they then become part of our knowledge.
Some of these work. They serve us well and keep us safe from any harm or hurt.
Some examples like not putting your fingers in a mousetrap and never leaving your credit cards or wallet laying around in a public place are really common sense and will serve all of us most of our lives. Then there are the ones that served us well as kids but may not really be serving us now, like “eat everything on your plate whether you feel full or not!”
What is it that we are holding onto that is just no good for us anymore? It doesn’t really matter where the belief came from. What’s important is that we take some time out and ask ourselves if this belief is really helpful now.
There’s no question that the beliefs and experiences of two people can dramatically influence the dynamic in the relationship they have with each other. Sometimes that’s easier said than done. These are deeply personal and sensitive topics. Beliefs about gender roles, sex, parenting and money are particular difficult if both people aren’t on the same page.
Discussing and working through belief based problems with a coach who can give you a neutral and respectful place to be heard can be a great idea. The right coach can really challenge you to make sure your beliefs aren’t holding you back especially if it’s to do with relationships. This is one of the biggest issues I come across with my couples – mismatched beliefs.
As a coach, I will get you to question your beliefs. Not in a judgmental way or make you change them. That’s NOT my job. What I WILL do is help you uncover what you believe and get you to look at if particular beliefs are helping you grow and supporting you the best way possible.
So please don’t let unhelpful beliefs deny you real happiness. If you feel you aren’t getting what or where you want, take some time to assess your beliefs. You deserve the best in this world and if you discover at the end of your life that your roadblocks came down to just a couple of old beliefs that held you back, you’ll be so sorry you didn’t deal with them when you had the chance. Life’s for living, not for regrets.
Don’t end up like this guy below. Praying for things to change without taking steps to reassess your beliefs and make any necessary changes will get you nowhere.
Stay tuned for the second part of this “beliefs” discussion. Next time, we’ll talk about religious beliefs and how they too can play a big part in your most significant relationships.
Have a great week and speak with you next time.
A couple of years ago I was in the ‘city by the bay’, San Francisco, catching up with a good friend of mine. We were having a drink at one of the famous bars which has a view from Alcatraz around towards the Bay Bridge and Oakland.
As we sat there chatting, an "aha" smile came across her face. For those who are not sure what that is, it’s when you have a BIG realization or "aha" moment.
As we were chatting away, she realized it was 7 years earlier she had decided to move from her home country and study right there in Oakland at the famous Berkeley University.
She now lives and works in Boston as a teacher, has her residency in the States but she had only just realized it was an amazing accomplishment. When it happened back then seven years earlier, she wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do but it was what she sooo wanted.
To move away from your family and friends to another country, to study and follow your dreams, not knowing if it was going to work out well, was a big risk but she felt deep inside that she needed to follow those dreams. So she did.
Seven years later she works full time as a teacher for a great school in Boston. She is making some amazing friends, she is leaving such an impact on all of her students with her care and her bright, bubbly smile and personality.
Reflection is such an amazing and beautiful gift we all should experience often in life.
Reflecting on relationships is a healthy thing to do, especially the relationship with yourself.
No matter where you are in your life, good or bad, ask yourself where were you three, five, seven or even 10 years ago?
What situation were you in back then? What have you achieved in your life and what struggles and challenges have you got yourself through when you thought it wasn’t possible?
What amazing things have you learned and enjoyed? What adventures have you had and what areas have you improved on? How have you become better within yourself through all of these events and made it possible to arrive right here right now as you read this?
THAT is what reflection is about. If you haven’t done this in a while then you must take THIS blog as a sign that you are overdue. Take the time to look back over the years and all the struggles you’ve survived. Remember all the rough times you never thought you could get through and then think about all the great stuff that you’ve overcome, achieved and experienced in that time. Take it ALL in. It’s all been a part of making you who you are today.
How strong have you had to be at times? What you are capable of from this day forward no matter what comes your way based on this experience? Celebrate it. Shout it from the top of a nearby hill or in your car and be proud of who you are. All of your life has been the making of who you are and will help you learn what you need to grow from today and everyday forward.
Yes, there will be ups and downs but you have all this experience that has taken you this far. How is that not enough to prove you can face anything that is thrown at you from now on?
So go out there, celebrate who you are, and take on tomorrow with all the guts and strength that you’ve gained from every day before now.
Have a fantastic day and stay true to yourself.
June is the International Men's Month but, as most of you, my followers are women, I’m not talking this month to MEN about men, I’ll be talking to WOMEN about men.
In Australia, the month of May is kinda the month of Mums, with Mothers' Day being the 2nd Sunday of May each year. This should be a good time of year, after all, these women brought us into the world and raised us to be who we are today. That's a pretty good thing to celebrate and make a big deal about, right? All those things they taught us and have helped us become these wonderful specimens we are. Look at us! Yeah? No?
Weeeeeeell yes ...and no.
Some people out there, including yours truly, may not have had the best childhood being raised by the woman who brought us into the world. Some would say that they weren't taught anything worth knowing. Actually, I beg to differ.
Even if they were the worst mother on the planet and don't even deserve the title of 'mother', they still did teach us the things that have got us where we are today. Yes, even I can say this (who has not had contact with the woman who gave birth to him in at least 20 years).
To teach something to someone, you do NOT have to directly teach them a good thing or a lesson to help them through life. Sometimes going through hell and back can also teach us things. You know that. There are lessons in EVERYTHING that happens in our lives.
Ever had a car crash or a similar horrible accident in your life? What did you learn from it? To not drive too fast? To pay more attention to the road? To stay off your phone while you drive? Well, maybe that's the way your mum taught you lessons. Maybe she showed you how NOT to act or treat loved ones. Maybe how to be more present by making you feel ignored. Maybe she just showed you who you don't want to be.
As a coach, I also work with people when they want help with goal setting and achieving a dream. There are 2 ways or doing this:
I can get them to visualize their desired goal, get them to reeeeeeally visualize it. They see it, feel it, smell it and breathe it in so they can literally taste that goal and it's so clear in their mind it's the driving force to go chase it.
On the other hand, if they struggle to see it and they need a little more persuading, I get them to think of the opposite. Yep, The opposite of the goal. "What will it feel like if I DON'T achieve it?"
Why would I do such a thing? Well, if you can't see where you're headed, maybe you need to see what is behind you and how bad it is and if you don't do something about it, imagine being stuck there.
Now, if you were to do this and you could clearly see where you could end if up if you don't do anything, wouldn't you want to RUNNNNN from that as quick as possible? You'll know where you've come from and that you never want to be there ever again, right? It also helps bring what you DO want into much clearer focus.
Your Mum may have deliberately taught you lots of wonderful things but the indirect, accidental lessons you may have learned from her could be really good ones too! They might be examples of where you've come from and how far you've come and that you never want to be like that or in that position in YOUR life. You can't say that's not valuable.
Don't get me wrong here, being a mum is one of the toughest jobs in the world.
Think of a job where you are on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365-366 days a year for at least 18 years!!! And the pay is CRAP, dealing with crying, crapping, cursing, canoodling, wiping away tears, listening to yelling and screaming, upgrading outgrown clothes, toys, school books and all the other stuff that goes with raising her little angels (and terrors at times) and usually putting her kids first before herself.
So it's not easy, I get that. I for one, can honestly say I'm glad I'm a guy because I could NOT stretch myself like most Mums. It's a freakin tough gig and I think some of you are insane to not only do it once, but then to go back and do it a few times over! All the heartache and sweat and tears.
But in the end, if it wasn't for the Mums of the world, NONE of us would be here today no matter how good or downright crap they were at being a mother. Some of us like me, were VERY lucky to be adopted or taken in by someone else's Mum. To this day, I can REALLY call her Mum and feel the love and care in my heart when Im with her and would be devastated to not have her.
So when Mum's Day comes around wherever you are, whatever the lessons you got from your Mum, consider celebrating it. Call them or write them and tell them how much you appreciated what they did for you and that you definitely would NOT be here if not for them. Thank them for being YOUR mum when others may not have theirs.
I really feel for you if your Mum has passed on. If you loved them, you'll even love them more for all they have given you. That's hard. On Mothers' Day night, I want you to go outside, look up into the sky and look for the biggest, brightest star, and yell out as loud as you can that you miss them and love them and are grateful for all that they gave you to help you become who you are today.
To each and everyone of the Mums who read this, whenever your day arrives.... HAPPY FREAKIN' MUM'S DAY, GIRL.
And to MY mum who I have had most of my life, thank you for taking me in when my own mum gave me up. You are The BEST mum in the world, with all the other BEST MUM'S in the world.
Thanks for putting up with me. Love ya x
So how was your Valentines Day? Yep, the day which is copping a lot of flack about how hyped up and commercial it is and how it's just a rip-off. It gets more and more criticism each year. But really...
Who says you MUST take part in Valentines Day? Who says you MUST take part in Christmas or Easter or Halloween as well?
Yes these days are becoming more and more commercial each year. I mean, heck, I saw hot cross buns in the supermarket on the second week of January. I'm mean, are you serious? That's over three months early!
So why do you take part in ANY of these days? Are they good things to be involved in or just ridiculous over-hyped days and a waste of money?
There is NO law saying you MUST be involved in any day. So why do Valentine's Day? Most people will reply that it's all over the media and just 'the done thing' so I'll look wrong if I don't do something for my partner. Yeah that's true BUT...
What do you do for your partner at random times to show him or her how much you love them?
I don't mean routine things like a kiss in the morning or washing the dishes or putting out the trash. I mean REALLY doing something, like maybe the odd weekend away every few weeks or months, spoiling them with the a random gift of love to say "thanks just for being there for me". Maybe doing something they can't do for themselves and don't expect you to do from time to time?
If you answered Yes to any of the above then should you HAVE to take part in Valentine's day?
My answer is "no, you do not". You can if you like, it's your right, but if you want the truth about this 'day of love' celebration, it's that people who get right into it are often the ones who HARDLY do anything for their partners and feel guilted into grabbing on to Valentine's day to show their 'love'.
Yes, that's right. They are usually soooo busy with work or life or just 'stuff' they expect their partner to always be there, to do jobs and they take advantage of who they have. So when it comes time that that partner leaves them or runs off with someone else (not that I condone that) they're dumb-founded and wondering what happened. "Why did they leave me"?
"HEY NUMBNUT! WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU TRULY SHOWED YOUR LOVE FOR HER/HIM? WHEN DID YOU LAST BLOW THEIR MIND AND MAKE THEM FEEL TRULY LOVED?"
Yeah I thought so. Can you even remember the last thing you did like that? Maybe it was your wedding day, honeymoon or a few years ago when you were still showing respect or care for them, before you just expected them to always be there and do what you want them to do for you.
As a relationship coach, this is what I hear from people each and everyday. And it's not all from my female clients either. There are plenty of guys that have felt a similar way too but it seems the ladies deal with this more.
So now you may have an understanding why sooo soooo many people make a big deal of Valentine's Day and make sure they go to the extreme to show their love. Maybe there needs to be some boundaries set. Maybe there needs to be more 'US' time. Maybe even set up a date night every few weeks to get some time and energy back into who you both really are, not just two people working their butts off or being mum and dad instead of Jim and Joan.
If you feel like you have lost your identity then you need to get that back. Really enjoy each other or one day you'll wake up and look across your empty bed, scratch your head and wonder "where did it all go wrong"?
No matter what you choose to do, either have some 'extra fun' on Valentines day when it comes around if you already show your true love your appreciation of them or if you haven't done anything since the last one, you need to think about what you are both doing there in the first place. Make some changes to save what you have.
"IF YOU DON'T APPRECIATE THEM, SOMEONE ELSE WILL."
As for me, I take my gal out to do stuff every few weeks and it's fun and simple - movies or mini golf. Yes, we did do something for Valentine's day, the night before, so we could have a quiet table to sit and chat at and appreciate the night without following all the sheep on the actual night.
So when one of these 'special' days comes around, if you're feeling guilty and wanting to go that extra step on the day, maybe you need to look at what you have been doing for them the other 364 days of the year.
Have a fantastic day everyone and show them how you feel before you don't have the chance to.
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Most of these posts are written by Jayson Mair himself and based around relationships. If there is something you would like to know,feel free to email us here and we will do our best to get a post up about that subject.