Understanding Men...SIMPLY!

June is the International Men's Month but, as most of you, my followers are women, I’m not talking this month to MEN about men, I’ll be talking to WOMEN about men.

Relationships are always harder than they need to be if you guys don’t have a good understanding of how men work. They are a lot simpler than you think and to get the most from them, it helps to know what you’re dealing with.  And hey, I'm a man, so you're getting this from the ‘horse's mouth.’

There are plenty of examples around about how simple we are. I saw a great meme on Facebook where a girl was at one end of the couch, and a guy at the other, both looked deep in thought.  The girl’s thought bubble said "Geez, he's so quiet tonight. Why isn't he talking to me? What have I done wrong? Did I say something? Was his dinner not cooked right? Is he going to break up with me?”!  Meanwhile, the guy’s like, "I can't understand why my bike won’t start. It sucks".  See… simple.

Then there’s a scene in one of the Austin Powers movie, where I think he's with Felicity Shagwell, and he says to her, "What're the chances of you and I getting together?" She says, "Oh never." He's like, "Well, what if it meant saving the life of another?" She's like, "No!"  He says, "Okay, what if we were the last two people on the Earth and the Earth was about to blow up, and we've only got an hour left, there's nothing else we can do. What are the chances then?" She goes, "Well, yeah okay. I guess." He's like, "Yes. I’ve got a chance!"

Now, these are jokes of course, but there’s some truth in them. Men aren’t stupid but, on the whole, our needs and thought processes are very uncomplicated.

I recently stood in line for a giveaway, and they were giving 200 of these products away. There were hundreds of people in the line I was on the borderline of being in the first 200.  Even though our chances weren’t good, I and the guys around me said: "We’ve still got a chance."  Meanwhile, women started leaving saying "Well, I'm not hanging around for this. I've got to go to get this done, get that done. I'm going," and they just left.   Meanwhile, the guys stuck around.  Despite being told we weren’t likely to get anything, we are simple creatures, and we live in hope! We were likely kids waiting in line at a candy store,

Now look, like always, I'm not saying 100% of men are this way but the majority are, and it’s not a bad thing.  Traditionally, women have been raised to be nurturers, to look after everybody else and to leave the complicated stuff to men but really, it should be the other way around, I feel. Women are a hell of a lot better when it comes to multitasking and able to handle situations that can be just too full on for us guys.

Not many guys can do two things at once. I’m serious!  Go through a McDonald's drive-through, and watch a guy serve and take an order at the same time. It'll be done in two separate steps, or it becomes a total traffic smash.  The car behind you will have to wait to give their order while he counts out your change.  Meanwhile, a female in a drive-through will be taking the money from the car at the front while taking your order, giving instructions to the kitchen and spit cleaning the window!  That’s a complete exaggeration, but you take my point. Men are simplistic creatures.

We are, like it or not, mostly just boys in adult bodies. We loved being kids, running around and playing in mud when we were young. We loved doing all the fun stuff, climbing trees, building stuff, making things happen, watching things blow up. Does that sound like your boyfriend or husband now? It's because that's what we do. We love sports. We love playing them. We even play them way past the time that we should be playing them anymore because we're that old and our bones are hurting, but it gives us that feeling of still being that fun kid.

We also love a bit of nurturing, a bit of support and comfort. Women need to feel loved, AND so do guys. They need to be told they're wonderful, they look great, they’ve done a great job, but you only hear guys saying that. I'll tell you; we really do like to hear it. It should be a two-way street. We like to be able to feel important and feel like we're doing a good job, like a little five-year-old.  Importantly, I said that guys need to believe they’re DOING A GOOD JOB.  A man is role driven and how well he is performing (as a Dad, a worker, a husband, a son, etc.) is tightly linked to how valuable he feels like a person.
If he's scolded, yes, he's going to sulk or fight back.  He might go play his PlayStation (he KNOWS he rocks at that) or sulk in his bed for a little while.  As guys, we might go to our car, go for a drive, go to our man cave or just shut up and not say anything. Sometimes that’s because we're not supposed to be weak, not be wusses. Some people say "Oh, that’s so gay" or "It's lame" or "Be a man." But what is a MAN?  What exactly is that supposed to mean?  Other times it’s because we are just clueless as to what to say.

As a relationship coach, I'll have couples come in for help.  I work with each partner separately, and then I bring them in together. One of the main things I hear from women is "He doesn't tell me anything. He grunts. Yes, no, one-word answers.  He won’t talk to me!"  As a woman, that can SEEM like he doesn’t love you.  Usually, that’s not close to true.  Most of us been raised to believe we’re not supposed to talk about our feelings.  It's a hard thing to express if you’ve never learned how.  When we do express ourselves, we're not very good at it and we seem to make things worse.  So we don’t.  It’s avoidance, plain and simple.  NOT a lack of love.

While I was in that line I was talking about, waiting to do the product swap, the conversations I was hearing between the younger guys around me were quite surprising. They gave me hope that men are actually starting to change. They are actually starting to TRY to express themselves. Yes, they're talking to other men, but they're still expressing themselves. They are saying how they feel, talking about what's been happening for them, and they're doing a lot better than before.

Unfortunately, we may never grow up completely. You’ll still see instances of 40, 50, 60-year-old guys trying to wear 20-year-old clothing, buying cool cars and dating young girls. It's because we don't like growing old. We don't like looking in the mirror and seeing our hair thinning and falling out.  A lot of us don't want to feel old. We look at someone, and we go, "Oh, we can relate to them," and they might be half our age. It's not we're dirty old men. We're not perverts. We're not disrespectful or anything else. A lot of the times we see that younger person, and we still think we’re like that on some level.  And while I'm onto it, where's this book that says how you're supposed to act at a certain age? I'd love to know if anyone's got a copy of this book.

If you're ever trying to understand your man, sometimes you need to just think, "If he was my child, how would I express myself to him? How would I relate to him? How would I be able to tell them what I need from him?".  How would he want to be treated?.  Would he feel better about himself if you said: "Hey, you've done a good job"?  Yes, guys need to say it more to their partners as well.  I understand that. We're in an age of equality (in some ways). Everyone wants to be on the same page. If there's something you want to have said to you (if you have a male partner) ask yourself, are you reciprocating it to your partner as well?  If you're not, maybe you need to give it a go. Lead by example.  Talk it over in a kind way.  Ask how he feels about it.  What makes him feel loved and valuable and wanted?

That's what relationships are about. And yes, men do need to step up a lot. There are a lot of things that we've done wrong for many years but there's a lot we get the blame for that we didn't even do. Our fathers did them, our grandfathers did them, people before us.  At the same time, it takes two to tango and two people to support one another.  If your guy's feeling down don't be afraid to give him a hug and just say "You doing alright, babe? You seem a bit quiet. Is everything okay? Do you want to just talk? I won't say anything. I'll just listen.”  Imagine how it’d feel to hear that?  You never know. You might be surprised one day that they might actually open up. They might tell you what they're going through and if they do, just listen. Just let them get it out. And then if they ask for advice or questions, then give them that. If they don't, just give them a hug.

:Men, we might be strong and tough, but inside, most of us are still that 5 – 10-year-old little boy in an adult body and we're just trying to do our best to get by. Hopefully, this has given you a bit of insight, and it's a bit helpful. Throughout the month, we'll give you a few more tips on how to work with men, communicate with men.  If you're trying to get something across and failing, I’ll show you how to avoid over-complicating it and speak in a language he can understand.

Until next month, thanks for reading.

Jay.